I've sat here staring at this screen, wondering if I really want to share this or not; or really how to write it down. Once something is written down, it feels so final, so official. My heart is broken, my body weary, and I still can't believe this is my reality or better yet; my mom's reality.
I have good and bad moments, right now is a bad moment. tears are rushing down my face, my eyes are swollen, and all I want to do is wake my mom up & curl up in her arms. I wont, because I have done that a few times already today and she needs her sleep, but her arms are the only place I want to be.
Doctor Winter gave us the choice between surgery ( which would be really hard on her body, she would have to heal, and she would still have cancer) or to stop all treatments and let nature take its course.
Mom choose to let nature take its course. At that point the doctor also said
"she has a few days to a few weeks to live"
nothing and no one can prepare you for those words or the true impact they have on you. my heart is shattered; I really am at a loss of words to express these feelings and the emotions that go along with it.
---This is fake right?!?! I will wake up from this and I will be on a beach with my mom having the time of our lives right?!?! Oh God.
God, PLEASE, PLEASE let her be able to "enjoy" the time she has left. Please let her live life to the fullest that she can, in little pain, and less nausea. Please make sure she understands how much I love her && that she is loved by so many. God I still pray for healing, and I still believe in your promises and know they are true. God let the end of her life be as beautiful as possible. Thank you for the best mom I could ever imagine, one who loves me, teaches me, disciplines me, rejoices with me, is my biggest cheerleader, one who loves you, one who believes in me and my goals, and who has always put me first. She is the biggest blessing in my life, Thank you for the time I have left with her && I'm jealous of all the time you are going to be spending with her soon. Thank you for your promise of one day I will be reunited with her in heaven and that I will be able to love on her for eternity. God just thank you for the amazing woman you have given to me && thank you for placing so much of her in me.
Amen
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