Keep me in your Heart- I'll stay there FOREVER

God is good; all the time. All the time; God is good.

As I sit here in our new recliner listening to tenth ave north for the 20th time, I'm blown away by where life has taken me. All the adventures and seasons of life that God has taken me though, in just 23 short years of life. My mind is flooded with memories of my momma, camping trips, hikes, soccer games, VBS, birthday parties, getting in trouble, getting loved on, but most of all just all the bluntness she gives away. I'm also sitting here with Bonta on my mind; Fatu Hannah, Olive, Amie, Nancy, Mark, Daughta, and Momma Angie. I'm reminded that in a war torn country where people have lost limbs, watched family members be killed in front of their very own eyes, have no food or water, and basically no hope; I'm reminded that they have the most HOPE, a overwhelming JOY, LOVE that pours out, and a unbelievable amount of trust, love, and passion for Jesus. Fatu's smile is all I can see when I close my eyes and I can't help but smile. My second family, living in Sierra Leone, have already woken up this morning to praise and worship God all together under the Baffa. They are about to head off to school for the day and I wish I could kiss everyone of their faces on their way up "Death Hill"- one day this will be a reality.

BUT

Today God has a different plan for my life, though I'm not fully sure what that plan is; I'm faithful he will show me. 
Today mom was re-admitted into the hospital. She has been puking every night (little amounts), she's not eating, not passing gas, her stomach still looks 7 months prego, She is tired and she is weak. She is scared for what is ahead, and she is nervous for our family. She received as much medicine through IV as possible because when she takes pills she pukes them back up. We are doing everything in our power to get her bowels and intestines working back to "normal". If we could just get her bowels to contract and move all the air thats in her stomach down and out she would be so much more comfortable and in much less pain. This has been the on going battle of January though, so continued prayer in that would be wonderful.
Mom started a new Chemo that she can only receive once a month- she got her first dosage 2 weeks ago now, so we are hoping that the chemo starts working and kicking the cancers ASS in the next week or so. If we can get the cancer under control we are hoping the bowels and everything else will start to work properly again. But like I told momma, don't you dare give up hope, but on the other side don't you dare put all your eggs in one basket. God's will be done, and his plan will be laid out.

I don't think its fair at all that at 23 years old I have to be worried about my mother who very possibly could die of Cancer. It could be in a few weeks, a few months, or a few years, but even in a few years I will only be 26 and lets be honest thats not much better then 23. (( but i'll take it :) ))
What i have been telling people is that if you feel the need to hang out with my momma- DO IT. we don't know how much time we have left and I know if this Chemo works were looking at a different time frame- but if not come spend time with her so you don't WISH  you had. 

As I'm typing this, I have to keep pausing & fight back the tears. I know this is my life, and I know God has a plan, but lets be real- I never expected his plan to be this one. It sucks in so many ways , but at least God has blessed me with 2 years to spend quality time with my momma, loving on her, going on vacations with her, going on mother/ daughter dates, hugging her, sharing my whole life story with her, and sitting back soaking up all the admiration I have for my mother. I have also had the most amazing gift of watching my prayers be answered, and my mother finding God, accepting him, and living that out. It's such a inspiration and the biggest relief/comfort that my momma is going to go High Five/ Party with Jesus when she passes. God is waiting with open arms to hug us all just as a father would when we return to him- my mom just gets the blessing to meet Jesus sooner rather then later.

I'm not typing this all out condemning my mother to death & I don't want anyone to think that, but I am writing my feelings out and trying to be real with the reality of the situation.


My mission now is to spend as much time with her as possible, love on her for as long as I can, and just enjoy her as a mother, wife, and best friend. It's also so releving knowing that when Jesus does decide it's her time- she will not longer be in pain, and she will be wrapped in the arms of Jesus looking down on us everyday telling us and reminding us of how much she loves us. 

Sitting in this chair, with my annoying dog curled up next to me- I'm still just so in awe of the amazing God we serve, and how much he loves me &  my momma <3

I thought sense I've listened to this song on repeat for the last hour, I would share the part thats yanking at my heart.


I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

My prayers are wearing thin
Yeah, I’m worn
Even before the day begins
Yeah, I’m worn
I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn
So, heaven come and flood my eyes