"My God's not dead
He's surely alive
He's living on the inside
Roaring like a lion"
As I sit in my car, crying out in prayer like i have done so many times- i go quiet with chills as i hear these lyrics come across my speakers in the most promising whisper- My Gods not dead, He's surely alive". Just when i want to give up, when I'm starting to feel defeated because I'm human God speaks through my speakers to encourage me, and reminds me- like he does every day that he is Alive, he is not dead and he is working in the midst.
I hate to admit this, but.... Praying for my momma has been a battle as of late. I mean, she has been struggling with cancer for 2 years and i have been praying for healing for two years. Sometimes it looks like she is healing and sometimes it just looks ruff. There have been many positives, but sometimes it's much easier to focus on the negatives and how much more they affect you. I have found myself asking WHY over and over again, and i have found myself on my knees begging God to heal her, give her a break in the pain, and allow her to live a "normal" life. the next day my momma called me to say- "come and get me please they are going to admit me"
i felt so overwhelmed I called my best friend to share this with her. As i was explaining to her that once again last night i sat and prayed that my mommas stomach would go down in size, that her bowels and intestines would start to work again, and that she would be more comfortable. When i woke up the next morning she seamed worse not better & now she is being admitted. Brooke started to tell me verses and encouraging me when i swear i heard God say
" Not your way but my way be done"
In that moment i realized (again) that i made God way to small, i doubted his ability, didn't want to wait on his time, and that God has just answered my prayer in a different way then i had wanted, BUT he answered my prayer :)
My momma was admitted because of her stomach being distended, her bowels and intestines not working properly, and because they wanted to make sure she was eating to boost her moods.
-If I'm not mistaken that is exactly what i had prayed for healing on- it just didn't happen my way.
You see my way didn't involve a hospital (9 days at that), but had my mom not been in the hospital the friends and family that came from all around to see her, to show her their love, shower her with flowers and gifts, and just be a presence in the room- uplifting her spirit- this wouldn't have happened & she needed it!
They also were able to see she had a bowl obstruction and are working on fixing this.
Sometimes you have to detach yourself, step back, and search for the reason "WHY"- usually God will let you in on the secret. Though it was not the way i wanted her to be healed, it was Gods way, Gods plan, and the most perfect way i could have ever imagined.
This has reshaped my prayer life, even in some aspects made it more exciting. I'm always expecting and searching for the way God is answering my prayers- because lets be honest; if he answered them the way i planned for them to be answered, i would be missing out on so much more then i could ever imagine. Prayer is our gateway to God, it's our tool. Everyone says communication is the number one problem in a relationship OR communication is KEY. Even though i can struggle with my prayer life, my mom going through this has made me realize how important it is to talk to God about anything and everything, shoot today i even told him my favorite ice cream flavor :)
I am reminded daily that i make mistakes. It makes me sad that I still doubt, and put restraints on God, who has proven more times then i can count that he is present and alive in my life. Then just as quick as i get mad at myself i am over taken by the joy and realization of GRACE. Grace that he wraps around me night and day, and grace that is extended to me FREELY even though i am far for deserving.
-Make prayer a key factor in your everyday life, Give thanks to God who created you, and loves you through everywhere your life will take you.
Momma update- Mom has been home for 3 nights now. She is on TPN ( total _ Nutrition) i forget what the P stands for. It goes through a IV pump into her port, "feeding" her because she is not hungry. We take her blood sugar every 6 or 7 hours and depending on the sliding scale she gets insulin if her counts to high. I infused the TPN with anything extra they have requested, hang the bag, and begin the Pump. everyone always asks about her spirits; they are alright. She is struggling to find happiness, hope, and struggling even more to communicate this. Watching your mom who is normally full of whit, just be quiet and have a blank face is a struggle... I think she will be on the TPN for 2 or 3 more weeks, it all depends on her stomach and if she will eat.
POSITIVE: she got up more today &&& SHE TOOK FOOD IN BY MOUTH!!! such a big prayer answered :)
We have a doctor apt tomorrow, I'll update to let everyone know how she is doing!!
He's surely alive
He's living on the inside
Roaring like a lion"
As I sit in my car, crying out in prayer like i have done so many times- i go quiet with chills as i hear these lyrics come across my speakers in the most promising whisper- My Gods not dead, He's surely alive". Just when i want to give up, when I'm starting to feel defeated because I'm human God speaks through my speakers to encourage me, and reminds me- like he does every day that he is Alive, he is not dead and he is working in the midst.
I hate to admit this, but.... Praying for my momma has been a battle as of late. I mean, she has been struggling with cancer for 2 years and i have been praying for healing for two years. Sometimes it looks like she is healing and sometimes it just looks ruff. There have been many positives, but sometimes it's much easier to focus on the negatives and how much more they affect you. I have found myself asking WHY over and over again, and i have found myself on my knees begging God to heal her, give her a break in the pain, and allow her to live a "normal" life. the next day my momma called me to say- "come and get me please they are going to admit me"
i felt so overwhelmed I called my best friend to share this with her. As i was explaining to her that once again last night i sat and prayed that my mommas stomach would go down in size, that her bowels and intestines would start to work again, and that she would be more comfortable. When i woke up the next morning she seamed worse not better & now she is being admitted. Brooke started to tell me verses and encouraging me when i swear i heard God say
" Not your way but my way be done"
In that moment i realized (again) that i made God way to small, i doubted his ability, didn't want to wait on his time, and that God has just answered my prayer in a different way then i had wanted, BUT he answered my prayer :)
My momma was admitted because of her stomach being distended, her bowels and intestines not working properly, and because they wanted to make sure she was eating to boost her moods.
-If I'm not mistaken that is exactly what i had prayed for healing on- it just didn't happen my way.
You see my way didn't involve a hospital (9 days at that), but had my mom not been in the hospital the friends and family that came from all around to see her, to show her their love, shower her with flowers and gifts, and just be a presence in the room- uplifting her spirit- this wouldn't have happened & she needed it!
They also were able to see she had a bowl obstruction and are working on fixing this.
Sometimes you have to detach yourself, step back, and search for the reason "WHY"- usually God will let you in on the secret. Though it was not the way i wanted her to be healed, it was Gods way, Gods plan, and the most perfect way i could have ever imagined.
This has reshaped my prayer life, even in some aspects made it more exciting. I'm always expecting and searching for the way God is answering my prayers- because lets be honest; if he answered them the way i planned for them to be answered, i would be missing out on so much more then i could ever imagine. Prayer is our gateway to God, it's our tool. Everyone says communication is the number one problem in a relationship OR communication is KEY. Even though i can struggle with my prayer life, my mom going through this has made me realize how important it is to talk to God about anything and everything, shoot today i even told him my favorite ice cream flavor :)
I am reminded daily that i make mistakes. It makes me sad that I still doubt, and put restraints on God, who has proven more times then i can count that he is present and alive in my life. Then just as quick as i get mad at myself i am over taken by the joy and realization of GRACE. Grace that he wraps around me night and day, and grace that is extended to me FREELY even though i am far for deserving.
-Make prayer a key factor in your everyday life, Give thanks to God who created you, and loves you through everywhere your life will take you.
Momma update- Mom has been home for 3 nights now. She is on TPN ( total _ Nutrition) i forget what the P stands for. It goes through a IV pump into her port, "feeding" her because she is not hungry. We take her blood sugar every 6 or 7 hours and depending on the sliding scale she gets insulin if her counts to high. I infused the TPN with anything extra they have requested, hang the bag, and begin the Pump. everyone always asks about her spirits; they are alright. She is struggling to find happiness, hope, and struggling even more to communicate this. Watching your mom who is normally full of whit, just be quiet and have a blank face is a struggle... I think she will be on the TPN for 2 or 3 more weeks, it all depends on her stomach and if she will eat.
POSITIVE: she got up more today &&& SHE TOOK FOOD IN BY MOUTH!!! such a big prayer answered :)
We have a doctor apt tomorrow, I'll update to let everyone know how she is doing!!
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